Have you ever caught yourself thinking:
"I just need to stop worrying about this."
"Why can't I get over this already?"
"I need to calm down."
"I have to get out of this mood."
It seems like a perfectly reasonable goal.
If anxiety feels awful, of course you want less of it.
If you're sad, of course you want to feel happier.
But here's the surprising part:
The harder we try to make uncomfortable feelings disappear, the more power they often have over us.
Here's a strange question:
What if your goal of feeling better is getting in the way of actually feeling better?
It sounds backwards.
After all, when we're anxious, overwhelmed, or discouraged, why wouldn't we want those feelings to go away?
But decades of psychological research point to an unexpected truth:
Sometimes the struggle against our emotions causes more suffering than the emotions themselves.
What the Science Says
Psychologists call this experiential avoidance—our tendency to avoid, suppress, or control uncomfortable internal experiences.
Research consistently finds that people who spend more energy trying not to feel difficult emotions often experience more psychological distress, not less.
This idea sits at the heart of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
ACT doesn't ask us to like painful emotions.
It asks something much more practical:
Can you make room for this feeling while still living your life?
Another line of research, called Ironic Process Theory, explains why suppression often fails.
When we tell ourselves "Don't be anxious," part of the brain has to keep checking whether we're still anxious.
The result?
The feeling stays front and center.
Trying to eliminate emotions often keeps us focused on them.
A Different Goal
Instead of asking:
"How do I stop feeling this?"
Try asking:
"What would happen if I stopped trying to make this feeling go away?"
That's a very different question.
One is about control.
The other is about permission.
For just a moment, let the feeling be exactly what it is.
Don't argue with it.
Don't explain it.
Don't fix it.
Don't distract yourself from it.
Just notice it.
Notice where you feel it in your body.
Notice what it seems to be asking for.
Notice what changes when you stop treating it like an emergency.
You may discover something surprising.
Many emotions begin to soften once they no longer have to fight against your resistance.
Not because you made them go away.
But because you finally made room for them to exist.
A One-Minute Practice
For just one minute, give yourself permission to stop trying to feel better.
Whatever emotion is here—anxiety, sadness, frustration, disappointment—see if you can simply let it be.
You don't have to like it.
You don't have to understand it.
You don't have to make it disappear.
Just notice it.
Where do you feel it in your body?
Is it heavy? Tight? Warm? Restless?
As you observe it, resist the urge to fix, analyze, or push it away.
Simply allow it to be there for one minute.
Then ask yourself:
"What happened when I stopped fighting this feeling?"
You may notice that nothing changes.
Or you may notice that the emotion shifts, softens, or becomes just a little less intense.
Not because you forced it to.
But because you stopped struggling against it.
Reflection
Was the feeling as unbearable as your mind predicted?
What changed when you gave yourself permission to simply experience it?
Did the emotion stay exactly the same, become stronger, or begin to soften?
What would it be like to spend less energy fighting your emotions and more energy simply noticing them?
