Most of us are used to thinking in either/or terms:
I’m doing well OR I’m failing.
I’m strong OR I’m falling apart.
I’m hopeful OR I’m doubtful.
I’m making progress OR I’m stuck.
But life is rarely that black-and-white.
In DBT, we practice something called dialectical thinking, which means learning to hold two truths at the same time — even when they feel like opposites. The simplest way to practice this is by swapping out “but” for “AND.”
Why “AND” Matters
When we use BUT, we erase the first half of the sentence.
Example:
“I’m making progress but it’s not enough.”
Everything before the but disappears.
All you’re left with is the criticism, the judgment, or the fear.
When we use AND, both parts of the reality stay true and valid.
Example:
“I’m making progress AND I’m not where I want to be yet.”
Now, there’s room for growth and self-respect at the same time.
Here is a powerful worksheet to put this into practice (with step by step instructions below).
Step 1: Notice the Either/Or and But Statements
Look for thoughts that sound like this:
“Either I succeed right now or I’ll never get there.”
“I’m doing better but not enough.”
“Either people like me or they hate me.”
“I’m trying but I keep messing up.”
Write down a few of your own. Don’t change them yet — just capture them.
Step 2: Swap “BUT” for “AND”
Take the same sentence and simply rewrite it with AND in place of BUT.
Examples:
Old Statement
New “AND” Statement
“I’m doing better but it’s still not enough.”
“I’m doing better AND I still have room to grow.”
“I feel hopeful but I still doubt myself.”
“I feel hopeful AND I still doubt myself sometimes.”
“I’m not where I want to be but I’m trying.”
“I’m not where I want to be AND I’m trying.”
“I’m struggling but other people have it worse.”
“I’m struggling AND other people struggle too.”
“I’m learning but I mess up a lot.”
“I’m learning AND I mess up sometimes.”
Feel the difference?
AND makes space, instead of shutting something down.
Step 3: Make Sure Both Sides Are Realistic and Respectful
A useful AND statement should have two parts that are:
True
Specific
Not self-attacking
✔ Helpful AND statements
“I’m upset AND I’m allowed to feel that.”
“I’m growing AND I wish it were faster.”
“I care about them AND I need boundaries.”
✘ Unhelpful AND statements
These look like AND statements but are actually just disguised self-criticism:
“I try hard AND I’m a loser.”
“I’m healing AND I’m still too damaged.”
“I’m doing my best AND it’s pathetic.”
If one side of the sentence is a global insult or absolute doom, rewrite it to reflect facts instead of shame.
Example:
“I’m trying hard AND I still fall into old patterns sometimes.”
Step 4: Practice With These Prompts
Fill in the blanks:
In my healing:
“I feel ____ AND I also know ____.”
In my growth:
“I’m frustrated that ____ AND I’m proud that ____.”
In my relationships:
“I care about ____ AND I need ____.”
In supporting others and myself:
“I’m still learning AND I have value to offer.”
Real-Life Examples to Try
“I’m overwhelmed AND I’m doing what I can today.”
“I miss them AND distance is healthy right now.”
“I felt anxious today AND I showed up anyway.”
“I need help AND I help others when I can.”
Why This Works
When you shift into AND thinking, you step out of extremes and into balance.
You stop erasing your progress.
You stop choosing between two truths that can coexist.
You create space for movement, growth, and compassion.
You can be healing AND still have hard days.
You can be scared AND brave.
You can need support AND be a support for someone else.
Both can be true.
