Before a Difficult Conversation, Decide What Matters Most

Difficult conversations often go off track because we enter them knowing that we’re upset—but without deciding what we actually want to accomplish.

You may begin by trying to solve a problem, then become focused on proving your point. You may protect the relationship by agreeing to something you don’t want. Or you may say something in the moment that gets a reaction but leaves you feeling disappointed in yourself afterward.

DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills identify three goals that can compete during an interaction:

• Getting what you need

• Protecting the relationship

• Maintaining your self-respect

All three matter. But in a particular conversation, one may need to guide your approach more than the others.

The Three Interpersonal Goals

1. The outcome

What do you want to happen as a result of the conversation?

Perhaps you want someone to change a behavior, answer a question, help with a task, respect a boundary, or agree to a specific plan.

Ask yourself:

What am I asking for—or saying no to?

Keeping the outcome clear helps prevent the conversation from getting pulled into old arguments, unrelated complaints, or a debate over who is right.

2. The relationship

How do you want the other person to feel about you and the relationship afterward?

You might want to preserve trust, communicate that you care, reduce unnecessary conflict, or make sure the person feels heard—even if you disagree.

Prioritizing the relationship does not mean giving in. It means paying attention to your tone, listening, and acknowledging the other person’s perspective while still expressing your own.

3. Your self-respect

How do you want to feel about yourself when the conversation is over?

You may need to stand by your values, tell the truth, protect a boundary, or avoid apologizing for something that isn’t wrong.

Ask yourself:

What choice will allow me to look back on this interaction and feel that I respected myself?

Try It Before Your Next Conversation

1. Describe the situation in one sentence.
   Stick to the immediate issue rather than the entire history of the relationship.

2. Identify your goal in each area.
   Write down:

   • Outcome: What do I want to happen?

   • Relationship: How do I want us to relate to each other afterward?

   • Self-respect: What do I need to say or do to remain true to myself?

3. Choose your highest priority.
   If you cannot fully protect all three goals, which one matters most in this particular interaction?

4. Plan your approach around that priority.
   If the outcome matters most, make a clear and specific request. If the relationship matters most, slow down and make room for the other person’s perspective. If self-respect matters most, identify the value or boundary you are unwilling to abandon.

5. Use your goal to return to the point.
   If the conversation becomes emotional or starts moving in circles, pause and ask yourself:

   What am I trying to accomplish here?

Choosing a priority doesn’t mean the other goals stop mattering. It simply gives you a compass. When you know what matters most, you’re less likely to react impulsively—and more likely to leave the conversation feeling that you handled it intentionally.

Want help? Take a stab at writing it out in the comments. Together, let's practice this skill. Remember, when you help someone else, you are also practicing it for yourself!