Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no—or apologized just to smooth things over? Keeping the peace can feel easier in the moment, but afterward, you may feel you’ve let yourself down.
FAST is a DBT skill for navigating difficult conversations while staying true to yourself. The goal is to be considerate of others while also respecting your own needs, boundaries, and values.
Try these four steps:
F — Be Fair. Consider both your needs and the other person’s. Their feelings matter, and yours do too. You can acknowledge their disappointment without changing your boundary: “I understand you were counting on me. I’m still not available.”
A — Avoid unnecessary Apologies. Apologize when you’ve caused harm, but you don’t need to apologize for having an opinion, asking for help, or saying no. Try replacing “Sorry I’m being difficult” with “This is what I need.”
S — Stick to your values. Ask yourself what matters to you in this situation—honesty, kindness, fairness, or protecting your time. Let that guide your response, even when someone disagrees. You can be flexible without abandoning what matters.
T — Be Truthful. Speak honestly without exaggerating, making excuses, or pretending you’re helpless. Instead of inventing a reason to decline, try: “I can’t take that on right now.”
Before you respond, pause and ask: “What could I say that respects both this person and myself?” You don’t need perfect words. Start with something clear, kind, and honest.
Your turn: Think of a recent conversation where you put your own needs aside. Which part of FAST would have helped—and what is one sentence you could try next time? Share below if you’d like.
