This skill is a step-by-step guide for asking for what you need, setting boundaries, or saying ‘no’—while keeping the relationship strong and feeling good about yourself.
DEAR MAN is an acronym that stands for:
D: Describe
E: Express
A: Assert
R: Reinforce
M: (Stay) Mindful
A: Appear Confident
N: Negotiate
1. D - Describe
Start by clearly describing the facts of the situation, just like a reporter would. Stick to what you can see or hear—no judgment or opinions.
Example: ‘I noticed that you borrowed my headphones yesterday and didn’t return them.’
2. E - Express
Next, express your feelings or thoughts about the situation. Use ‘I’ statements to keep it about you.
Example: ‘I feel frustrated because I need my headphones for work.’
3. A - Assert
State what you want or need—clearly and directly.
Example: ‘I’d really appreciate it if you could return my headphones by tonight.’
4. R - Reinforce
Reinforce by explaining the positive outcome of meeting your request, or gently pointing out what might happen otherwise.
Example: ‘That way, I can finish my project on time, and we’ll both feel better about it.’
5. M - Stay Mindful
Stay on track. If they interrupt, criticize, or try to distract you, calmly repeat your point or ask for what you need.
Example: ‘I understand, but I still need the headphones by tonight.’
6. A - Appear Confident
Use a steady voice, make eye contact, and keep an open posture. Even if you feel nervous, acting confident can help.
7. N - Negotiate
Be willing to compromise if needed. If the person says ‘no,’ ask what might work instead.
Example: ‘I understand you’re busy. Could I get the headphones first thing tomorrow morning instead?’
